I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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