we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
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There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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