Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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