Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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