I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
