"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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