We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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