you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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