I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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