He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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