And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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