I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
