As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
