If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
