she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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