My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
