All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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