Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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