take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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