You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
