I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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