Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
