It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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