R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
