when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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