Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
