I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
