Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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