dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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