Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You made out with two different species that night
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
