Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
