i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
People in love make me want to vomit
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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