He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
