Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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