70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
