I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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