I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
