Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
