I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
