.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
