How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
