Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
