I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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