Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
