You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
