First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
