im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
