I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
