When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
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well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
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If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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