yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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