I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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