So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
sarcasm needs its own font
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
