u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Found your dick twin last night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
