Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
